Post-Partum Myths and the Superheroes that Debunk Them

It's amazing how little education there is on post-partum mental illness, especially since it affects so many women.

I was 20 when I was diagnosed with postpartum ocd, but I started feeling the symptoms when I was 18. I struggled with this disorder internally. There was a time I truly felt I was going mad. For more than a year I tried to find somebody...anybody who could tell me what the hell was going on inside my brain, and for a long time, there was no clear cut answer.

I became pregnant with my son at the age of 18. Le Gasp! :P However, my boyfriend (now my husband) and I loved each other very much. In my mind there was no question of what to do. I knew I was going to have my son. I knew he would be loved. I knew we would be great parents and would do everything possible to give him a good life.

My ocd actually started during my pregnancy. My first insane thought was that I could not serve steak knives at the table. I could hurt someone with steak knives. Who knows I might go crazy and stab someone from across the table. I put out butter knives instead.

My mother wanted to take me to Palm Springs for a relaxing vacation and I refused to go simply because I was afraid of hurting her. Soon I got scared of driving my car because I thought I would hit someone.

When these thoughts first invaded my brain, I did not tell anyone for two reasons. One, it made me sound like a lunatic and two, because I thought maybe it was just the stress of being young and pregnant. I began to get scared about what would happen after my son was born. He would be so fragile. I bought every book I could on baby care and first aid. Every first time mommy is paranoid but my paranoia reached unhealthy heights. I became scared of hurting myself, my baby, and others.

The biggest issue which you must understand is I never felt the desire to do these things. It was an intense fear that I could not shake. If I tried to stop the thoughts they would only increase. One night my husband woke up and I could not stop crying but was too scared to tell him why.

After my son was born the thoughts went away. (Most likely because of hormone changes) I have to mention that both when I was pregnant, when he was born, and ever since I have loved my son with my whole soul. Even when I was going through this inner turmoil I always felt like my son was this magical gift from heaven and I still do not know how I got so lucky as to have a baby boy as a amazing as him. Despite my feelings of pure, unconditional love towards my son, the fears came back when I suddenly stopped breastfeeding once my son was six months old. (Again, probably because of hormone changes)

I soon became terrified of giving him a bath, changing his diaper, even being alone with him. What confused me and terrorized me the most was that the fears I had were not logical. I loved my son so much, why would I ever be scared of hurting him? I became terrified that I might have schizophrenia or be psychotic.

When I finally decided to start doing some research all I found were disturbingly awful stories of mothers hurting their children. "Oh my God!" I thought. "What if these women started out like me and gave into their fears!" I went to a doctor and told her everything. She told me I was anxious, that this was normal and she gave me some xanex. It did nothing but give me an allergic reaction.

I soon decided to change my whole diet. I was eating more raw foods, cut out coffee and sugar, took more vitamins.

It didn't work.

So I started exercising and meditating and praying....

the thoughts would not stop.

I could not sleep, eat, or go to the bathroom normally.

I was scared to watch my son, drive the car, use a fork. I was literally incapable of doing anything for myself. Worst of all, while I still did everything for my son and showed him tons of love and affection, I could not truly appreciate him the way I wanted to.

I finally checked myself into the emergency room and told them everything. You know what they did? They put a security guard in front of my door and carried me by ambulance to the Los Angeles County Mental Hospital.

I was there for three days and I can tell you I have never been more terrified. One night I went into my room and there was a man already sleeping in my bed. The nurse had not even noticed him walk in. They gave me drugs that made me feel like a zombie and released me on the third day.

Once I got back to the real world I went to a psychiatrist who, like a total idiot, immediately took me off of the addictive medication I was taking, and onto anti depressants that don't take affect for a month. Now I was nineteen, scared, with an 8 month old to take care of, going through a deep depression, and withdrawal from a highly addictive substance.

This is where my family showed how wonderful they can truly be. My husband, my mother-in-law, my father-in-law, and my mother literally nursed me back to health for two weeks while the medication started working. The love and help I got from them was exactly what I needed and words do not express how grateful I am to this day that they granted me that time and patience to heal.

Once the anti depressants began doing their work I was once again able to function normally and appreciate my son. However, the thoughts were still lingering in the back of my mind and I could not help but think that anxiety was not what was going on in my brain. Neither was it the "psychosis" that they imprisoned me in that hospital for. So I began doing my research...

Then I found my savior.

Dr. Emily Dossett in Pasadena was the only one among the 5 doctors and two therapists I visited who properly diagnosed my condition. It was then that I learned the biggest myth about post-partum disorders. They are all grouped as depression. Baby blues and wanting to hurt one's own children are all the same to the "old school" psychiatrist. In fact their are many different kinds of post-partum mental illness.

Baby Blues- the feeling of despair mothers often get within the first few weeks of their child being born. This passes rather quickly.

Post Partum Depression- the mother may feel hopeless, exhausted, apathetic, and/or full of despair for an unknown reason

Post-Partum OCD- (what I have) the mother becomes terrified of hurting her child either purposely or accidentally. Women with OCD do not act on these thoughts since they are fears and not desires. They are illogical and go against the feeling of love and protection the woman has towards her baby. The thoughts cannot be stopped willingly and must be eased with both medication and cognitive behavioral therapy.

Post-Partum Psychosis- the mother has a desire and will to act on harmful thoughts.

As you can see each of these conditions is very different from the last. Perhaps the scariest part is not all psychiatrists know the differences between these disorders. Thus, why I ended up in a mental hospital. When I told my current psychiatrist, Dr. Sparago, what I went through he was outraged. There needs to be more education about this not only in the public but also within the psychiatric community. This should not have been so hard to diagnose. I had all the symptoms, the doctors simply did not understand that such a condition existed. Instead of admitting that they did not know what was wrong with me and referring me to someone else, they tried to group me in a box with other people who had a different but similar disorder.

This is simply not acceptable. I pity the woman who deals with this on a daily basis since there is no reason for her suffering. Once I began the proper treatment, a combination of medication and cognitive behavioral therapy, my symptoms simply disappeared. No woman in the modern age needs to live in agony because of these conditions. We have the medical knowledge and technology. What we need to do is spread the word!

The professionals who have helped me

Dr. Emily Dossett- Pasadena

Dr. Sparago- Westwood

Dr. Otelsburg- Westwood

are superheroes to me. Help them educate the world about these disorders which can so easily be treated. Then we can get back to what is really important, appreciating the beautiful children God has generously placed in our lives.

XO,

MIMI

Links:

http://edossettmd.com/

http://postpartum.net/